53 Examples of Funny Oxymoron Quotes

An oxymoron is a figure of speech which contains words that seem contradictory to one another. This incongruity can be accidental or deliberate, as in cases of humor.

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Funny Oxymoron Quotes

  • I am a deeply superficial person. - Andy Warhol
  • Of course I can keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t keep them. - Anthony Haden-Guest
  • She used to diet on any kind of food she could lay her hands on. - Arthur Baer
  • I distinctly remember forgetting that. - Clara Barton
  • You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap. - Dolly Parton
  • The budget was unlimited, but I exceeded it. - Donald Trump
  • I have a terrible memory. I never forget a thing. - Edith Konecky
  • I hate people but I love gatherings. - Edna St. Vincent Millay
  • Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history. - George Bernard Shaw
  • Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it. - Irene Peter
  • Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. - Josh Billings
  • We must believe in free will. We have no choice. - Isaac B. Singer
  • I can resist everything but temptation. - Oscar Wilde
  • It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. - Mark Twain
  • I can believe anything, provided that it is quite incredible. - Oscar Wilde
  • The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. - W.C. Fields
  • I always avoid prophesying beforehand because it is much better to prophesy after the event has already taken place. - Winston Churchill
  • I never said most of the things I said. - Yogi Berra
  • Why don’t you pair ‘em up in threes? - Yogi Berra

Funny Oxymoron Quotes from Samuel Goldwyn

Samuel Goldwyn, a very influential movie producer during the 1920's through the 1950's, was famous for his humor. Here are a few of his funny oxymorons:

  • A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
  • Include me out.
  • A hospital is no place to be sick.
  • Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
  • Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting.
  • Gentlemen, I want you to know that I am not always right, but I am never wrong.
  • Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.
  • If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive!
  • It’s more than magnificent-it’s mediocre.
  • If Roosevelt were alive, he’d turn over in his grave.
  • I’ll give you a definite maybe.
  • If you fall and break your legs, don’t come running to me.
  • I never put on a pair of shoes until I’ve worn them five years.
  • I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
  • I was always an independent, even when I had partners.
  • I paid too much for it, but its worth it.
  • I can give you a definite perhaps.
  • It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities.
  • Our comedies are not to be laughed at.
  • I never liked you, and I always will.
  • Spare no expense to save money on this one.
  • The scene is dull. Tell him to put more life into his dying.
  • Tell them to stand closer apart.
  • When told his son was getting married: Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
  • We’re overpaying him, but he’s worth it.

Anonymous and Funny Oxymoron Quotes

  • It went over like a lead balloon.
  • Thank God I’m an atheist.
  • We are not anticipating any emergencies.
  • Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
  • I’m not going to say, “I told you so.”
  • May I ask a question?
  • This report is filled with omissions.
  • Click the 'Start' button to shut down the computer.
  • Spontaneity is good as long as it is controlled.

For more examples, check out Examples of Oxymorons.